1.
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.After a lengthy sitti
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.After a lengthy sitti
2.
A newlywed couple moves into their new houseOne day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?”The husband says, “What do I look like, MrPlumber?”A few days
A newlywed couple moves into their new houseOne day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?”The husband says, “What do I look like, MrPlumber?”A few days
3.
An elderly gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors.The waiting room was filled with patientsHe approached the receptionist deskThe receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestlerHe gave
An elderly gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors.The waiting room was filled with patientsHe approached the receptionist deskThe receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestlerHe gave
4.
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year-old woman has a baby.All of her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.When they ask to see the baby, the new mom says, “Not yet!” A little later, they ask to see the baby agai
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year-old woman has a baby.All of her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.When they ask to see the baby, the new mom says, “Not yet!” A little later, they ask to see the baby agai
5.
Bob was in troubleHe forgot his wedding anniversaryHis wife was really pissed.She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”The next morning he got up early and left
Bob was in troubleHe forgot his wedding anniversaryHis wife was really pissed.She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”The next morning he got up early and left
6.
A substitute teacher gets a job in the city.
In the lesson of the day the the teacher begins talking about farm animals and finds himself having to explain animals the famers keep.
None of the kids have ever seen, much less heard heard a farm animal
A substitute teacher gets a job in the city.
In the lesson of the day the the teacher begins talking about farm animals and finds himself having to explain animals the famers keep.
None of the kids have ever seen, much less heard heard a farm animal
7.
The manager picks up, and a man asks in a formal tone:“Good morning sir, might I ask, at what time does your fine establishment open?”“Well,” replies the manager politely, “We're closed this Christmas Eve, so we won't be opening today.”“I seeThank you for
The manager picks up, and a man asks in a formal tone:“Good morning sir, might I ask, at what time does your fine establishment open?”“Well,” replies the manager politely, “We're closed this Christmas Eve, so we won't be opening today.”“I seeThank you for
8.
The female brain works on a different tangent than male.Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about lifeIn-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.I told her, “Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally depende
The female brain works on a different tangent than male.Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about lifeIn-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.I told her, “Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally depende
9.
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.“The sand traps seem to be bigger
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.“The sand traps seem to be bigger
10.
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problemA few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problemA few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
11.
Husband and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.Husband gets up in a rage and says, “And you are not good in bed either,” and storms out of the house.After sometime he realizes he was awful and decides to make amends and rings her up.She co
Husband and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.Husband gets up in a rage and says, “And you are not good in bed either,” and storms out of the house.After sometime he realizes he was awful and decides to make amends and rings her up.She co
12.
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.“I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menuJust bring me a dirty fork from a previous customerI'll smell it and
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.“I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menuJust bring me a dirty fork from a previous customerI'll smell it and
13.
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,“Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression.I was down to my last nickel.I invested that nickel in an apple.I spent the entire day p
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,“Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression.I was down to my last nickel.I invested that nickel in an apple.I spent the entire day p
14.
Once there were three men, Charlie, Mason and Buck, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.
As they stood at the gates of Heaven, St. Peter came up to them and said, “You will all be given a method of transportation for your
Once there were three men, Charlie, Mason and Buck, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.
As they stood at the gates of Heaven, St. Peter came up to them and said, “You will all be given a method of transportation for your
15.
… noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget.They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream
… noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget.They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream
16.
She decided she would just end her life herself and join him in death.Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the
She decided she would just end her life herself and join him in death.Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the
17.
A doctor just finishes his check-up with a man.Dr: I've got good new and bad newsWhich do you want to hear first?Patient: I guess the bad news.Dr: Well, you only have about 3 months to live and there's nothing else we can doI'm sorry.Patient: (starts cryi
A doctor just finishes his check-up with a man.Dr: I've got good new and bad newsWhich do you want to hear first?Patient: I guess the bad news.Dr: Well, you only have about 3 months to live and there's nothing else we can doI'm sorry.Patient: (starts cryi
18.
A 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remem
A 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remem
19.
After a preacher dies and goes to Heaven, he notices that a New York cab driver has been awarded a higher place.“I don't understand,” he complains to Saint Peter“I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”“Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results,
After a preacher dies and goes to Heaven, he notices that a New York cab driver has been awarded a higher place.“I don't understand,” he complains to Saint Peter“I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”“Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results,
20.
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor.
The nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, “Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!” The man replied, “How about that, I work for the Do
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor.
The nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, “Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!” The man replied, “How about that, I work for the Do
21.
A man drove past a traffic camera and saw it flash.He couldn't believe he had been caught speeding when he was driving below the speed limit for once!He turned around and drove past again, this time even slower.But as he passed the camera, it flashed agai
A man drove past a traffic camera and saw it flash.He couldn't believe he had been caught speeding when he was driving below the speed limit for once!He turned around and drove past again, this time even slower.But as he passed the camera, it flashed agai
22.
A blonde walks into an empty bar on New Year’s Eve and asks the bartender if she can use his phone to wish her family back in St. Louis a happy new year.
“Well,” starts the bartender, “the rates are pretty high on New Year’s.
You’ll have to leave me
A blonde walks into an empty bar on New Year’s Eve and asks the bartender if she can use his phone to wish her family back in St. Louis a happy new year.
“Well,” starts the bartender, “the rates are pretty high on New Year’s.
You’ll have to leave me
23.
Phillip opened the back door to go turn off the light, but he then saw that there were 3 men breaking into his garage.He called the police and said, “Get over here quickly, there's 3 burglars trying to break into my garage on Maple Drive!”The dispatcher r
Phillip opened the back door to go turn off the light, but he then saw that there were 3 men breaking into his garage.He called the police and said, “Get over here quickly, there's 3 burglars trying to break into my garage on Maple Drive!”The dispatcher r
24.
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.One day a friend asked, “Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?”Thomas replied, “Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parent
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.One day a friend asked, “Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?”Thomas replied, “Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parent
25.
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage,
when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a v**rgin.”
The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”
The
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage,
when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a v**rgin.”
The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”
The
26.
Two blonde girls walk into a department store.
They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it,
“That’s quite nice, don’t you think, Tracy”
“Yeah. What’s it called Sharon?”
“Viens
Two blonde girls walk into a department store.
They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it,
“That’s quite nice, don’t you think, Tracy”
“Yeah. What’s it called Sharon?”
“Viens
27.
A woman consulted a divorce attorney to discuss her marriage annulment on account of her husband’s irrational attitudes.
After being married to her husband for years, a woman decided to call it quits as she was fed up of enduring his constant sexual de
A woman consulted a divorce attorney to discuss her marriage annulment on account of her husband’s irrational attitudes.
After being married to her husband for years, a woman decided to call it quits as she was fed up of enduring his constant sexual de
28.
Two men are sitting at a bar, slowly sipping their drinks.
After a while, the first man approaches the other man, and sits next to him. “This place is great, isn’t it?” he asks.
The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger’s remark, replies, “
Two men are sitting at a bar, slowly sipping their drinks.
After a while, the first man approaches the other man, and sits next to him. “This place is great, isn’t it?” he asks.
The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger’s remark, replies, “
29.
The lawyer says to his client, Bill Shorten,
“I have some good news and some bad news.”
Bill replies:
“I’ve had a bloody awful week, so let’s hear the good news first.”
The lawyer says:
“Your wife Chloe invested $20,000 in five pictures whi
The lawyer says to his client, Bill Shorten,
“I have some good news and some bad news.”
Bill replies:
“I’ve had a bloody awful week, so let’s hear the good news first.”
The lawyer says:
“Your wife Chloe invested $20,000 in five pictures whi
30.
Three guys go to hell,…
When they get there, they meet the devil, who tells them there’s a way to get to heaven.
The Devil explains that behind 3 doors are tasks that they must each complete,…
In whatever order they want, to go to heaven.
Door
Three guys go to hell,…
When they get there, they meet the devil, who tells them there’s a way to get to heaven.
The Devil explains that behind 3 doors are tasks that they must each complete,…
In whatever order they want, to go to heaven.
Door
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Eng Jokes