1.
… heading downtown to go to the movies, when a young punk got on.She had spiked, multi-colored hair that was green, purple, and orange.Her clothes were a tattered mix of leather rags, her legs were bare and she was wearing worn-out shoes. Her entire face
… heading downtown to go to the movies, when a young punk got on.She had spiked, multi-colored hair that was green, purple, and orange.Her clothes were a tattered mix of leather rags, her legs were bare and she was wearing worn-out shoes. Her entire face
2.
His friends to him at coffee: “We adore your family life, you’ve got a great life with your wife and kids.
Tell us the secret of this happiness or we’ll consider you as a diffident”
“Well, i can shortly explain. After our wedding, she started riding
His friends to him at coffee: “We adore your family life, you’ve got a great life with your wife and kids.
Tell us the secret of this happiness or we’ll consider you as a diffident”
“Well, i can shortly explain. After our wedding, she started riding
3.
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed.
As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said,
“I
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed.
As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said,
“I
4.
Ed and his wife Norma faithfully go to the state fair every year, and every year Ed would plead, “Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.”Frugal Norma would always sternly reply, “I know Ed, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is
Ed and his wife Norma faithfully go to the state fair every year, and every year Ed would plead, “Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.”Frugal Norma would always sternly reply, “I know Ed, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is
5.
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down.
You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests.
So what els
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down.
You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests.
So what els
6.
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!”That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best to
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!”That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best to
7.
An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery.The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves.He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those bunsThe owner didn't even see me.”“That's just simple thievery
An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery.The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves.He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those bunsThe owner didn't even see me.”“That's just simple thievery
8.
He was hooked on trees his whole life.2Why was Santa's little helper depressed?Because he had very low elf esteem.3What does the Grinch do with a baseball bat?Hits a gnome and runs.4What do you call a broke Santa Claus?Saint-nickel-less.5. What do you cal
He was hooked on trees his whole life.2Why was Santa's little helper depressed?Because he had very low elf esteem.3What does the Grinch do with a baseball bat?Hits a gnome and runs.4What do you call a broke Santa Claus?Saint-nickel-less.5. What do you cal
9.
During a shortage of eligible men, a bear, a pig and a rabbit are called up for national service.While waiting for the medical examinations, they all admit they're terrified of being killed.‘I'm ungainly and pink,' says the pig, truthfully.‘The enemy will
During a shortage of eligible men, a bear, a pig and a rabbit are called up for national service.While waiting for the medical examinations, they all admit they're terrified of being killed.‘I'm ungainly and pink,' says the pig, truthfully.‘The enemy will
10.
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuitThe prosecutor opened his questioning with, “Where were you the night of August 24th?”“Objection!” said the defense attorney“Irrelevant!”“Oh, that's okay,” said the blonde from the witness
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuitThe prosecutor opened his questioning with, “Where were you the night of August 24th?”“Objection!” said the defense attorney“Irrelevant!”“Oh, that's okay,” said the blonde from the witness
11.
Two men are flying in a captive balloon.The wind is ugly and they come away from their course and they have no idea where they are.So they go down to 15 m above ground and ask a passing wanderer“Could you tell us where we are?”“You are in a balloon.”So th
Two men are flying in a captive balloon.The wind is ugly and they come away from their course and they have no idea where they are.So they go down to 15 m above ground and ask a passing wanderer“Could you tell us where we are?”“You are in a balloon.”So th
12.
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were each given the same red rubber ball and told to find the volume.The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were each given the same red rubber ball and told to find the volume.The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in
13.
A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire.
The fire was more than the county fire department could handle.
Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called.
Despite some doub
A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire.
The fire was more than the county fire department could handle.
Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called.
Despite some doub
14.
A generous king once ruled in the land of AndhraEvery day two beggars used to come to him for alms and he always gave them food and money.On receiving the alms one of them, the older one, used to say: “God provides.” The other beggar, the younger of the t
A generous king once ruled in the land of AndhraEvery day two beggars used to come to him for alms and he always gave them food and money.On receiving the alms one of them, the older one, used to say: “God provides.” The other beggar, the younger of the t
15.
The husband, who is the one behind the wheel, asks, “What's the problem, officer?”Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”Man: “No sir, I was going 65.”Wife: “Oh, HarryYou were going 80.” (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)Officer: “I'm also
The husband, who is the one behind the wheel, asks, “What's the problem, officer?”Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”Man: “No sir, I was going 65.”Wife: “Oh, HarryYou were going 80.” (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)Officer: “I'm also
16.
He asked the preacher if he could participate in the door-to-door selling of bibles.The preacher agreed, but knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.The following day the young man returned asking for more.The preacher ga
He asked the preacher if he could participate in the door-to-door selling of bibles.The preacher agreed, but knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.The following day the young man returned asking for more.The preacher ga
17.
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.CEO's are now playing miniature golf.Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.I saw a Mormon with only one wife.McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.Parents in B
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.CEO's are now playing miniature golf.Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.I saw a Mormon with only one wife.McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.Parents in B
18.
Little Johhny is walking around and peaks in his parents room, catching them having s*x so he asks,
“What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! we’re just uh, making cake” and they send him away.
So he continues walking around and h
Little Johhny is walking around and peaks in his parents room, catching them having s*x so he asks,
“What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! we’re just uh, making cake” and they send him away.
So he continues walking around and h
19.
The driver gets out of the cab and is Looking at the engine when a second Lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he needs help.The penguins' driver explains that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if the other man wouldtake the penguins
The driver gets out of the cab and is Looking at the engine when a second Lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he needs help.The penguins' driver explains that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if the other man wouldtake the penguins
20.
Phil goes to Europe and leaves his favorite dog with his brother JamesWhile in Europe, Phil calls James to check on his dog and asks, “So James, how's my favorite dog doing?”James very tersely replies, “Your dog is dead.”“What?” says Phil“You can't just t
Phil goes to Europe and leaves his favorite dog with his brother JamesWhile in Europe, Phil calls James to check on his dog and asks, “So James, how's my favorite dog doing?”James very tersely replies, “Your dog is dead.”“What?” says Phil“You can't just t
21.
My husband and I went through the McDonald’s driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’
I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar
My husband and I went through the McDonald’s driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’
I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar
22.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country.As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.I finally
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country.As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.I finally
23.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.True to his word, he made the first contact:“Delora… Delora…”“Is that you, Darling?”“Yes, I've come back like we agreed.”“That's wonder
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.True to his word, he made the first contact:“Delora… Delora…”“Is that you, Darling?”“Yes, I've come back like we agreed.”“That's wonder
24.
Whispering firmly to the dying man, the priest said,“Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”The dying man said nothing.The priest repeated his order.Still the dying man said nothing.The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denou
Whispering firmly to the dying man, the priest said,“Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”The dying man said nothing.The priest repeated his order.Still the dying man said nothing.The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denou
25.
Nasreddin Hodja was lying in the shade of an ancient walnut tree.His body was at rest, but, befitting his calling as an imam, his mind did not relax.Looking up into the mighty tree he considered the greatness and wisdom of God.“God is great and God is goo
Nasreddin Hodja was lying in the shade of an ancient walnut tree.His body was at rest, but, befitting his calling as an imam, his mind did not relax.Looking up into the mighty tree he considered the greatness and wisdom of God.“God is great and God is goo
26.
A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there.
Girl: “My father isn’t home, but I know what you want and I can help you.
You want our bull to service your cow.
Well, my father charges one hundred dollars for his best bull.”<
A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there.
Girl: “My father isn’t home, but I know what you want and I can help you.
You want our bull to service your cow.
Well, my father charges one hundred dollars for his best bull.”<
27.
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling,“Read all about it Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!”Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page.Finding nothing, the man said,“There's nothing in
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling,“Read all about it Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!”Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page.Finding nothing, the man said,“There's nothing in
28.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfectYour family must be re
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfectYour family must be re
29.
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes.His boss asked what happened.The man said, “I was sitting behind a big woman at church.When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack,so I pulled it out.She turned arou
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes.His boss asked what happened.The man said, “I was sitting behind a big woman at church.When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack,so I pulled it out.She turned arou
30.
Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course.
They didn’t bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two ho
Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course.
They didn’t bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two ho
Tags:
Eng Jokes