Funny Quotes to Instantly Lighten the Mood

1.



"Some people graduate with honors; I am just honored to graduate."

2.



"I don’t need a hair stylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."

3.



"Why do we call them apartments when they’re all stuck together?"

4.



"Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they’re shellfish."

5.



"I can resist everything except temptation."

6.



"I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do, it’s because I missed my exit."

7.



"I used to work at a calendar factory but got fired for taking a couple of days off."

8.



"I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time-consuming."

9.



"Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring, so I go back to being me."

10.



"They say ‘don’t try this at home,’ so I’m coming over to your house to try it."

11.



"I’m not lazy; I’m just on energy-saving mode."

12.



"I’m not addicted to coffee. We’re just in a committed relationship."

13.



"I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned."

14.



"I don’t trust stairs because they’re always up to something."

15.



"I told my cat to stop being lazy. He said, ‘Meowt of my business.’"

16.



"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

17.



"I tried to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough."

18.



"I’m on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days."

19.



"Why did the computer go to the doctor? It caught a virus."

20.



"I told my therapist about my fear of overly complicated buildings. She said I need to work on my complex issues."

21.



"I run on caffeine, chaos, and inappropriate humor."

22.



"I’m on cloud wine."

23.



"Life’s too short to fold fitted sheets."

24.



"I tried to make my dog stop chasing his tail, but he just kept getting around it."

25.



"I put my scale in the corner because it was giving me bad news."

26.



"Marriage is just texting each other, 'Do we need anything from the store?' until one of you dies."

27.



"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."

28.



"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it."

29.



"They say money talks, but mine just waves goodbye."

30.



"I thought growing up would take longer."