1.
All three sit down at the barThe bartender looks at the man and says, “What'll ya have?”The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I'll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I'm only gonna pay half price.”The bartender serves up four b
All three sit down at the barThe bartender looks at the man and says, “What'll ya have?”The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I'll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I'm only gonna pay half price.”The bartender serves up four b
2.
“Mommy,” the little girl asks, “How old are you?”“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied“It's not polite.”“OK”, the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”“Now really,” the mother says, “Those are personal questions and
“Mommy,” the little girl asks, “How old are you?”“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied“It's not polite.”“OK”, the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”“Now really,” the mother says, “Those are personal questions and
3.
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament. “Sir,” she said “You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons o
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament. “Sir,” she said “You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons o
4.
A recently divorced man, heartbroken and down on his luck, comes across a magical genie lampThinking his luck has finally changed, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.“I am an all and powerful genieYou get three wishes, but I must tell you in advance, a
A recently divorced man, heartbroken and down on his luck, comes across a magical genie lampThinking his luck has finally changed, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.“I am an all and powerful genieYou get three wishes, but I must tell you in advance, a
5.
The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company.On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself.The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card,So later he could remember how his
The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company.On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself.The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card,So later he could remember how his
6.
They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity,God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish.The first nun said with a blush, “This is slightly embarrassing, but I ha
They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity,God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish.The first nun said with a blush, “This is slightly embarrassing, but I ha
7.
The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it.Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting an
The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it.Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting an
8.
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.Finally, the trooper got around to writing out
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.Finally, the trooper got around to writing out
9.
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower g
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower g
10.
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day.The girl approached the boy and said, “Hey Billy, want to play house?”He said, “Sure! What do you want me to do?”Sally replied, “I want you to communicate your feelings.”“Communicate my feelings?” sa
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day.The girl approached the boy and said, “Hey Billy, want to play house?”He said, “Sure! What do you want me to do?”Sally replied, “I want you to communicate your feelings.”“Communicate my feelings?” sa
11.
A duck, a pigeon, and a chicken all walk into a courtroom…
The judge asked the duck,
“What is your crime?”
The duck responds, “I was blowing bubbles in front of City Hall.”
The judge says, “There’s no crime committed here, you’re free to go.”<
A duck, a pigeon, and a chicken all walk into a courtroom…
The judge asked the duck,
“What is your crime?”
The duck responds, “I was blowing bubbles in front of City Hall.”
The judge says, “There’s no crime committed here, you’re free to go.”<
12.
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselingWhen asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptines
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselingWhen asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptines
13.
A guy burned both of his ears… so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.
He said, “I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang… So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear…”
“But how the heck did you burn the othe
A guy burned both of his ears… so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.
He said, “I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang… So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear…”
“But how the heck did you burn the othe
14.
An elderly lady called the hospital to ask about a patient who was being cared for.“Hello, I'd like some information on a patient, her name is MrsTiptreeShe is in Ward P, Room 23.”“I will just put you through to the ward.”The elderly lady repeated her req
An elderly lady called the hospital to ask about a patient who was being cared for.“Hello, I'd like some information on a patient, her name is MrsTiptreeShe is in Ward P, Room 23.”“I will just put you through to the ward.”The elderly lady repeated her req
15.
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying a bill,
so he asked his BLONDE secretary for some mathematical help.
“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14% how much would you take off?” he asked her.
The secretary replied, “Everything but
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying a bill,
so he asked his BLONDE secretary for some mathematical help.
“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14% how much would you take off?” he asked her.
The secretary replied, “Everything but
16.
The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho.
Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.
The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowl
The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho.
Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.
The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowl
17.
Fred was very old, sick, and doctors said he would not l and dying.There was an elderly man at home in his bed, dying.He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking in the kitchen downstairs, and he wanted one last cookie before he die
Fred was very old, sick, and doctors said he would not l and dying.There was an elderly man at home in his bed, dying.He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking in the kitchen downstairs, and he wanted one last cookie before he die
18.
Three men, one German, one Japanese and a Saudi Arabian were sitting naked in a sauna.Suddenly there was a loud beeping sound.The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.The others looked at him questioningly“That was my pager,” he said, “I have a
Three men, one German, one Japanese and a Saudi Arabian were sitting naked in a sauna.Suddenly there was a loud beeping sound.The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.The others looked at him questioningly“That was my pager,” he said, “I have a
19.
A customer in a restuarant orders a bowl of soup. However, the customer notices that something is wrong. So he calls the waiter over.
“Can you please taste the soup?”
“What’s wrong with the soup?”
“Just taste it.”
“Why?”
“Just taste it.”
A customer in a restuarant orders a bowl of soup. However, the customer notices that something is wrong. So he calls the waiter over.
“Can you please taste the soup?”
“What’s wrong with the soup?”
“Just taste it.”
“Why?”
“Just taste it.”
20.
She decided she would just end her life herself and join him in death.Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the
She decided she would just end her life herself and join him in death.Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the
21.
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.Abe turns to Sol and asks, “Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?”Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunnoBut let's make a deal — if I die first, I'l
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.Abe turns to Sol and asks, “Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?”Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunnoBut let's make a deal — if I die first, I'l
22.
An elderly gentleman had been experiencing serious hearing problems for a number of years.He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in
An elderly gentleman had been experiencing serious hearing problems for a number of years.He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in
23.
A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay upWhat should I do?”“Do you have any proof?” asked the lawyer.“Nope,” replied the man.“Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you,” said th
A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay upWhat should I do?”“Do you have any proof?” asked the lawyer.“Nope,” replied the man.“Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you,” said th
24.
A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform s..ually.He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.The medicine man says, ‘I
A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform s..ually.He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.The medicine man says, ‘I
25.
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.aint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdo
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.aint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdo
26.
An American on vacation in Paris is having breakfast at a cafe one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
An American on vacation in Paris is having breakfast at a cafe one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
27.
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.“You've got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded“Or just a bed, I don't care where.”“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he mi
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.“You've got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded“Or just a bed, I don't care where.”“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he mi
28.
… and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.“You've done very well so far,” said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, “but for a million euros you've only got one lifeline left, phone a friend. If you get the next question wrong, y
… and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.“You've done very well so far,” said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, “but for a million euros you've only got one lifeline left, phone a friend. If you get the next question wrong, y
29.
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.At the first house a woman complains, “I've be
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.At the first house a woman complains, “I've be
30.
Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together.They made a decision, one day to make it,..“yesterday once more”.They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young.The next day, Grandpa go
Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together.They made a decision, one day to make it,..“yesterday once more”.They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young.The next day, Grandpa go
Tags:
Eng Jokes