A man walks into a restaurant Funny Jokes 04

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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.The man says, “I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich.“What's yours?” “I'll have the same,” sa

2.



A married couple got into an accident and the husband's face was badly burnedThe doctor told him that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinnySo the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.However, the only skin on her body

3.



The little boy had been looking out of Westjet Airlines plane window on a flight from Toronto to Calgary when he turned to his mother and asked,“If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?”The mother cou

4.



Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, “my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him “Father.”
The second Catholic women chirps, “Well, my s

5.



A poor slave, ill-treated by his master, runs away to the forest.
There he comes across a lion in pain because of a thorn in his paw.
The slave bravely goes forward and removes the thorn gently.
The lion without hurting him goes away.
Some day

6.



A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said,
“I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”
“Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained.
“Tell me some good news for once.”
“Alright, here’s some good news,”
said the secr

7.



This guy sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.”He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.“You talk?” he asks“Yep,” the mutt replies“So, w

8.



Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court.
The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, I’d like to give you a second chance.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug us

9.



A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the “Chicken Surprise.” The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot.Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady l

10.



The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:Officer: “License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!”Me: “I assure you, I did not drink anything.”Officer: “Okay, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a high

11.



A neighborhood kid was looking for ways to earn money.He knocked on the door of one house, and when the man answered the boy asked, “Hey mister, got any odd jobs I can do?”The man indeed had a job for the boy to doHe handed the boy a can of red paint and

12.



A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lbweight loss program.The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round he

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He was hooked on trees his whole life.2Why was Santa's little helper depressed?Because he had very low elf esteem.3What does the Grinch do with a baseball bat?Hits a gnome and runs.4What do you call a broke Santa Claus?Saint-nickel-less.5. What do you cal

14.



Two zebras are talking and one asks the other,
“Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?”
The other replies, “Well I don’t know.
You should pray to God about that and ask him.” So that night he did
and God replied, “You are w

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His friends to him at coffee:  “We adore your family life, you've got a great life with your wife and kids.You don't make her say things twiceTell us the secret of this happiness or we'll consider you as a diffident”“Well, i can shortly explainAfter our w

16.



Two Arkansans meet on a dusty, country road.
One of them is carrying a big bag, labeled chickens.
“Chickens, eh?” says his friend.
“Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?”
“Heck,” says the guy with the bag. “You guess

17.



A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officerwho was also a blonde.The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.What does it look l

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On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcasesOn the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put

19.



Jonny went to school one day and later that day his dad got a call
saying he needs to pick up his son because he had had s*x with a teacher.
When Jonny got home his dad was so happy he went out to the store and bought him a bike.
When they bought

20.



One day after the service a little boy approached the parish priest with a question:Little Boy: “Father I heard you once say that we all came from dust”Parish priest, “That's right I did say that”.Little boy: “And Father I heard you say that when we die w

21.



A man drives his date up to lovers lane and parks.“I have to be honest with you” the woman says as the guy makes his move.”I`m a call girl”.The man thinks about this for a bit and decides he`s ok with it.He agrees to pay her $25 and they go at it.After th

22.



Johnny went to confession, at the beginning of Lent….
“Bless me Father for I have sinned.
It has been 3 months since my last confession.
In that time I have disobeyed my parents nine times, missed Sunday Mass once, had impure thoughts, oh,
abo

23.



Three men, an Scot, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.
The Scot jumped off and shouted “God save Scotland!”
The English man jumped off and shouted “God Save England!”
The Sumo

24.



A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friendsEvery day they would sit together to eat their lunchThey discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until

25.



An 80-year-old man went to the doctor, who was amazed at what good shape he was in.
The doctor asked, “Why do you think you have such good health?”
The old-timer said,
“I’m a turkey hunter and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up before dayl

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He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfectYour family must be re

27.



Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.“I want a baby more than anything in the world,” said the first, “But I guess it is impossible.”“I used to feel just the same way,” said the second“But then eve

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While riding my Harley the other day, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very

29.



An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.He goes home

30.



A young boy says to his father “Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you.”
“What happened?” The father asks.
“Well, she asked me, ‘how much is 7 * 9?’ I answered ’63’ , then she asked, ‘and 9 * 7?’
So I asked ‘what’s the bloody difference?’ “In