1.
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the doorHe rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning“I'm not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.Then, a louder knock follows“Aren't yo
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the doorHe rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning“I'm not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.Then, a louder knock follows“Aren't yo
2.
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn’t
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn’t
3.
On their first date, a man asked his companion if she'd like a drink with dinner.“Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?” she said.Later, he offered her a cigarette.“Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?” she said again On the drive
On their first date, a man asked his companion if she'd like a drink with dinner.“Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?” she said.Later, he offered her a cigarette.“Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?” she said again On the drive
4.
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question,“Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest wo
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question,“Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest wo
5.
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order:“What would you like, sir?”
He l
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order:“What would you like, sir?”
He l
6.
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.He had a large pond in the back.It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.One evening the old farme
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.He had a large pond in the back.It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.One evening the old farme
7.
Three brothers each marry a woman.The first one married a woman from Minneapolis, and said to her:“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean and tidy.” He didn't see any changes on the first day, but on the second day the house was clean and
Three brothers each marry a woman.The first one married a woman from Minneapolis, and said to her:“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean and tidy.” He didn't see any changes on the first day, but on the second day the house was clean and
8.
Jim and Edna are both mental patients.One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn't come up for air.Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out.Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and sayes
Jim and Edna are both mental patients.One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn't come up for air.Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out.Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and sayes
9.
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop..Right away they go over to the bird section.Gerry says to Paddy, “That's them”.The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.“Yeah, we'll take four of the birds in that cage up there,” says Gerry“Put them in a paper
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop..Right away they go over to the bird section.Gerry says to Paddy, “That's them”.The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.“Yeah, we'll take four of the birds in that cage up there,” says Gerry“Put them in a paper
10.
A mother took her little boy to church.While in church the little boy said,“Mommy, I have to pee.”The mother said to the little boy,“It's not appropriate to say the word ‘pee' in church.So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee' just tell me that you have
A mother took her little boy to church.While in church the little boy said,“Mommy, I have to pee.”The mother said to the little boy,“It's not appropriate to say the word ‘pee' in church.So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee' just tell me that you have
11.
One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart.Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: “Are you okay, what's your name?”“I'm Phil and I'm OK thanks,” I replied.“Phil, forget yo
One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart.Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: “Are you okay, what's your name?”“I'm Phil and I'm OK thanks,” I replied.“Phil, forget yo
12.
Husband comes home drunk and breaks some crockery, vomits and falls down on the floor:
His wife pulls him up and cleans everything.
The next day when he gets up he expects her to be really angry with him.
He prays that they would not have a fight
Husband comes home drunk and breaks some crockery, vomits and falls down on the floor:
His wife pulls him up and cleans everything.
The next day when he gets up he expects her to be really angry with him.
He prays that they would not have a fight
13.
A man escapes a prison where he has been locked up for 15 years.
He goes into a house and finds a young couple in bed.
He forces the young man into a chair and duck taped him there.
Then he leans over the woman and kisses her neck, then he goes i
A man escapes a prison where he has been locked up for 15 years.
He goes into a house and finds a young couple in bed.
He forces the young man into a chair and duck taped him there.
Then he leans over the woman and kisses her neck, then he goes i
14.
Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughingConfused, he asks them why they're happy.They tell him, “Well, it's been bitterly cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty.”Satan, annoyed, st
Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughingConfused, he asks them why they're happy.They tell him, “Well, it's been bitterly cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty.”Satan, annoyed, st
15.
After a preacher dies and goes to Heaven, he notices that a New York cab driver has been awarded a higher place.“I don't understand,” he complains to Saint Peter“I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”“Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results,
After a preacher dies and goes to Heaven, he notices that a New York cab driver has been awarded a higher place.“I don't understand,” he complains to Saint Peter“I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”“Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results,
16.
A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks.
As he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle.
He pi
A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks.
As he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle.
He pi
17.
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problemI have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.”“What do they say?” the priest inquired.“They say, ‘Hi, we're prostitutesDo you want to have some fun?'” th
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problemI have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.”“What do they say?” the priest inquired.“They say, ‘Hi, we're prostitutesDo you want to have some fun?'” th
18.
A class of 3rd graders return from their field trip to the farm and the teacher asks them,
“What kind of noises did you hear at the farm?”
The first kid raises his hand and says,
“I heard the cow go moo!”
The second kid raises his hand and say
A class of 3rd graders return from their field trip to the farm and the teacher asks them,
“What kind of noises did you hear at the farm?”
The first kid raises his hand and says,
“I heard the cow go moo!”
The second kid raises his hand and say
19.
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up
20.
So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.“MUM,” the boy yells at the top of his voice, “I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PISS!”Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son's lan
So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.“MUM,” the boy yells at the top of his voice, “I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PISS!”Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son's lan
21.
Three old ladies – Gertrude, Maude and Tilly – were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation.Suddenly, a handsome young man dressed only in a trench coat approached them from across the parkHe was holding his coat together with his hands and di
Three old ladies – Gertrude, Maude and Tilly – were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation.Suddenly, a handsome young man dressed only in a trench coat approached them from across the parkHe was holding his coat together with his hands and di
22.
Three guys were sitting in a biker bar.A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the fa
Three guys were sitting in a biker bar.A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the fa
23.
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,…waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight,..and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fe
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,…waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight,..and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fe
24.
Nasreddin Hodja was once brought before a judge by a man to whom he owed some money.The creditor said to the judge:“This man owes me 500 dinars which are long overdue.I request your excellency to order him to pay me immediately, without further delay.”“I
Nasreddin Hodja was once brought before a judge by a man to whom he owed some money.The creditor said to the judge:“This man owes me 500 dinars which are long overdue.I request your excellency to order him to pay me immediately, without further delay.”“I
25.
Bill Gates goes to purgatory.
St. Peter says, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things.
Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go”.
First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women
Bill Gates goes to purgatory.
St. Peter says, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things.
Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go”.
First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women
26.
A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan,
A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan,
27.
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.Giovanni said, “Hey, Luigi, How was a da treep?”Luigi said, “Everything was-a perfect except for
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.Giovanni said, “Hey, Luigi, How was a da treep?”Luigi said, “Everything was-a perfect except for
28.
Suddenly a big burly man walks in and slaps Ray so hard that he falls off the stool.“That was a karate chop from Korea,” says the big man proudly.Ray sighs, gets up and brushes the dust off his clothes, sits down on the stool and continues to drink his be
Suddenly a big burly man walks in and slaps Ray so hard that he falls off the stool.“That was a karate chop from Korea,” says the big man proudly.Ray sighs, gets up and brushes the dust off his clothes, sits down on the stool and continues to drink his be
29.
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:“Before you leave, I want you to hear how thi
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:“Before you leave, I want you to hear how thi
30.
On his first day on the job, the trainee dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:“Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!”The voice from the other side responded:“You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?”“No,” replied
On his first day on the job, the trainee dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:“Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!”The voice from the other side responded:“You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?”“No,” replied
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Eng Jokes