1.
A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.The doctor asked the man,“Do you smoke or drink?”“No,” he replied,“I've never done either.”“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women? ” inquired the doctor.“No, I've never do
A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.The doctor asked the man,“Do you smoke or drink?”“No,” he replied,“I've never done either.”“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women? ” inquired the doctor.“No, I've never do
2.
A lady walks into a pet store.She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBOThe lady asks the pet shop owner, “Why so cheap?”The owner says “This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things.”The lady can't pass u
A lady walks into a pet store.She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBOThe lady asks the pet shop owner, “Why so cheap?”The owner says “This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things.”The lady can't pass u
3.
A boy, his father and his mother are having dinner. But the boy doesn’t want to eat his broccoli.
Eat your broccoli! – says the mother.
No! – exclaims the boy.
The father then leans toward the boy and whispers something in his ear.
The boy qui
A boy, his father and his mother are having dinner. But the boy doesn’t want to eat his broccoli.
Eat your broccoli! – says the mother.
No! – exclaims the boy.
The father then leans toward the boy and whispers something in his ear.
The boy qui
4.
Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughingConfused, he asks them why they're happy.They tell him, “Well, it's been bitterly cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty.”Satan, annoyed, st
Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughingConfused, he asks them why they're happy.They tell him, “Well, it's been bitterly cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty.”Satan, annoyed, st
5.
Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar.
One is crying.
The other asks what’s wrong. “I’ve puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me.”
The other drunk says “do what I do pal.
Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked
Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar.
One is crying.
The other asks what’s wrong. “I’ve puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me.”
The other drunk says “do what I do pal.
Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked
6.
I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle,
bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself,
“What if I fell off my bicycle, the bottle would break”.
So, I drank all the S
I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle,
bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself,
“What if I fell off my bicycle, the bottle would break”.
So, I drank all the S
7.
The famous professor of mathematics was in town for a conference.Since he had some free time, he was approached to give a seminar for the undergraduate mathematics students at the local college.After covering several blackboards with densely packed comput
The famous professor of mathematics was in town for a conference.Since he had some free time, he was approached to give a seminar for the undergraduate mathematics students at the local college.After covering several blackboards with densely packed comput
8.
While showing off his new apartment to friends one night, a drunk man led the way to his bedroom where there was a huge clock on the wall with a big brass gong.“What's that brass gong for?” asked one of the guests.“Why, that's the talking clock,” the man
While showing off his new apartment to friends one night, a drunk man led the way to his bedroom where there was a huge clock on the wall with a big brass gong.“What's that brass gong for?” asked one of the guests.“Why, that's the talking clock,” the man
9.
I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks.My mom asked me to set the table for dinner.I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built young woman.“Mom, what s this?” I as
I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks.My mom asked me to set the table for dinner.I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built young woman.“Mom, what s this?” I as
10.
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children.
Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic, but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
“Darling wife,” the husband whispers, “assure me that the
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children.
Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic, but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
“Darling wife,” the husband whispers, “assure me that the
11.
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order:“What would you like, sir?”
He l
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order:“What would you like, sir?”
He l
12.
A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch.
Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.
Suddenly the wife st
A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch.
Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.
Suddenly the wife st
13.
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.The man says, “I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich.“What's yours?” “I'll have the same,” sa
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.The man says, “I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich.“What's yours?” “I'll have the same,” sa
14.
A married couple are out one night at a dance club.There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.The wife turns to her husband and says,“See that guy? Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned h
A married couple are out one night at a dance club.There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.The wife turns to her husband and says,“See that guy? Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned h
15.
A local FM Radio was running a contest, and I phoned up.The RJ said, “Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize.”“That's fantastic!” I shouted in delight.“Feel confiden
A local FM Radio was running a contest, and I phoned up.The RJ said, “Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize.”“That's fantastic!” I shouted in delight.“Feel confiden
16.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then give the lemon to a patronAnyone who could squeeze another drop of juice out would win the money.Many people tried but nobody was able to do it.One day a scrawny, little ma
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then give the lemon to a patronAnyone who could squeeze another drop of juice out would win the money.Many people tried but nobody was able to do it.One day a scrawny, little ma
17.
There was this blonde city-girl who was out driving and found herself in a rural area.
She noted a farm animal standing next to a farmer and stopped the car to ask the farmer a question.
“Sir,” she inquired, “Why doesn’t this cow have any horns?” Th
There was this blonde city-girl who was out driving and found herself in a rural area.
She noted a farm animal standing next to a farmer and stopped the car to ask the farmer a question.
“Sir,” she inquired, “Why doesn’t this cow have any horns?” Th
18.
A business man got on an elevator in a building.
When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, “T-G-I-F” (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T” (letters only).”
She looked at him,
A business man got on an elevator in a building.
When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, “T-G-I-F” (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T” (letters only).”
She looked at him,
19.
A kid walks into a class with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks the teacher asks,
“Where have you been?” The boy says, “On top of blueberry hill.”
Then another boy walks in with no shirt and no socks and the teacher says,
“Where have you been?
A kid walks into a class with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks the teacher asks,
“Where have you been?” The boy says, “On top of blueberry hill.”
Then another boy walks in with no shirt and no socks and the teacher says,
“Where have you been?
20.
When Big Peter McFlannel dies in Glasgow,his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once,so she goes to the newspaper and says;“I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband”The man at the desk says “OK, how much money dae ye have?”The old woman
When Big Peter McFlannel dies in Glasgow,his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once,so she goes to the newspaper and says;“I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband”The man at the desk says “OK, how much money dae ye have?”The old woman
21.
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.
Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
“Very well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven.
“But
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.
Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
“Very well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven.
“But
22.
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop..Right away they go over to the bird section.Gerry says to Paddy, “That's them”.The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.“Yeah, we'll take four of the birds in that cage up there,” says Gerry“Put them in a paper
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop..Right away they go over to the bird section.Gerry says to Paddy, “That's them”.The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.“Yeah, we'll take four of the birds in that cage up there,” says Gerry“Put them in a paper
23.
Husband and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.Husband gets up in a rage and says, “And you are not good in bed either,” and storms out of the house.After sometime he realizes he was awful and decides to make amends and rings her up.She co
Husband and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.Husband gets up in a rage and says, “And you are not good in bed either,” and storms out of the house.After sometime he realizes he was awful and decides to make amends and rings her up.She co
24.
One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart.Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: “Are you okay, what's your name?”“I'm Phil and I'm OK thanks,” I replied.“Phil, forget yo
One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart.Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: “Are you okay, what's your name?”“I'm Phil and I'm OK thanks,” I replied.“Phil, forget yo
25.
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean
26.
The blonde wife came home from her first day commuting into the city.
Her husband noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, “Honey, are you feeling all right?” “Not really,” she replied.
“I’m nauseated from sitting backward on the train.
The blonde wife came home from her first day commuting into the city.
Her husband noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, “Honey, are you feeling all right?” “Not really,” she replied.
“I’m nauseated from sitting backward on the train.
27.
Ray and Bob, two Government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole”, said Bob, “But we don’t have a ladder.”
The
Ray and Bob, two Government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole”, said Bob, “But we don’t have a ladder.”
The
28.
… when an older man in the crowd was heard saying, “PeanutsPopcornCracker Jack.”Castro didn't break his stride but a few minutes later, a second voice was heard but with the same message, “PeanutsPopcornCracker Jack.”This time the Bearded One seemed momen
… when an older man in the crowd was heard saying, “PeanutsPopcornCracker Jack.”Castro didn't break his stride but a few minutes later, a second voice was heard but with the same message, “PeanutsPopcornCracker Jack.”This time the Bearded One seemed momen
29.
Three pregnant women are sitting in a cafe having lunch when one of them says.
“I know that I’m going to have a boy.”
The other two women think about that for a moment, and then one of them says.
“OK, how do you know you’re going to have a boy?”<
Three pregnant women are sitting in a cafe having lunch when one of them says.
“I know that I’m going to have a boy.”
The other two women think about that for a moment, and then one of them says.
“OK, how do you know you’re going to have a boy?”<
30.
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.“So, what is it?” grumbled the governor.“Judge Garber has just died” said the att
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.“So, what is it?” grumbled the governor.“Judge Garber has just died” said the att
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Eng Jokes