1.
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner:The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked“If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner:The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked“If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead
2.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course,
I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Matty had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said, “No.”
I kept thinking, “Oh Lo
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course,
I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Matty had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said, “No.”
I kept thinking, “Oh Lo
3.
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean
4.
All of his tests came back with normal results.DrDarns said, “George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?”George replied, “God
All of his tests came back with normal results.DrDarns said, “George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?”George replied, “God
5.
Desmond, who was a real town dweller, drove his car into a ditch when out on the country roadsLuckily, a local farmer came was passing by with his big strong donkey called Dobbin.He hitched Dobbin up to the car and shouted loudly, “Pull, Dolly, pull!” Dob
Desmond, who was a real town dweller, drove his car into a ditch when out on the country roadsLuckily, a local farmer came was passing by with his big strong donkey called Dobbin.He hitched Dobbin up to the car and shouted loudly, “Pull, Dolly, pull!” Dob
6.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.When the time of the practical exam
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.When the time of the practical exam
7.
An elderly couple who had just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary were sitting on their porch, relaxing.
Both were simply reading a book and rocking on their chairs.
When suddenly, the wife looks at her husband and whacks him across the head, and
An elderly couple who had just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary were sitting on their porch, relaxing.
Both were simply reading a book and rocking on their chairs.
When suddenly, the wife looks at her husband and whacks him across the head, and
8.
First Bull: “I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows.”Second Bull: “I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows.”Third Bull: “I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys
First Bull: “I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows.”Second Bull: “I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows.”Third Bull: “I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys
9.
A couple of women were playing golf one afternoon.
One of the two teed off and watched as her ball headed directly toward a group of guys playing the next hole.
The ball struck one of the men, and he immediately fell to the ground and proceeded to r
A couple of women were playing golf one afternoon.
One of the two teed off and watched as her ball headed directly toward a group of guys playing the next hole.
The ball struck one of the men, and he immediately fell to the ground and proceeded to r
10.
A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany.I assumed that most Germans would speak English.But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue–including the ticket inspector on the train.He punched my ticket, then
A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany.I assumed that most Germans would speak English.But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue–including the ticket inspector on the train.He punched my ticket, then
11.
A man drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door… A boy, about 8, opened the door.
“Is your mom or dad home?” the man asked the boy.
“No, they went into town,” the boy replied.
“Well, how about your brother Howard?” the man asked.
A man drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door… A boy, about 8, opened the door.
“Is your mom or dad home?” the man asked the boy.
“No, they went into town,” the boy replied.
“Well, how about your brother Howard?” the man asked.
12.
“Bob, I'm sorryI've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess:I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than youIt's been so incredible and fun, I've not been
“Bob, I'm sorryI've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess:I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than youIt's been so incredible and fun, I've not been
13.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.True to his word, he made the first contact:“Delora… Delora…”“Is that you, Darling?”“Yes, I've come back like we agreed.”“That's wonder
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.True to his word, he made the first contact:“Delora… Delora…”“Is that you, Darling?”“Yes, I've come back like we agreed.”“That's wonder
14.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke downDo you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The n
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke downDo you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The n
15.
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.”He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.”He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back
16.
Russ and Fred, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn’t show up.
Fred didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something..
But after Russ
Russ and Fred, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn’t show up.
Fred didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something..
But after Russ
17.
A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over.The cop says to the man, “Are you aware of how fast you were going?”The man replies, “Yes, I amI'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.”The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, “Were you t
A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over.The cop says to the man, “Are you aware of how fast you were going?”The man replies, “Yes, I amI'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.”The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, “Were you t
18.
A naturopathic doctor opens up a wellness clinicHe puts a sign outside that says ‘GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED, GET BACK $100.'A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.Lawyer: “I have lost my sense of taste.”
A naturopathic doctor opens up a wellness clinicHe puts a sign outside that says ‘GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED, GET BACK $100.'A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.Lawyer: “I have lost my sense of taste.”
19.
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.“I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menuJust bring me a dirty fork from a previous customerI'll smell it and
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.“I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menuJust bring me a dirty fork from a previous customerI'll smell it and
20.
A dude-up city biker walks into a seedy tavern in the outback of Western Australia.He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chilli.After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it
A dude-up city biker walks into a seedy tavern in the outback of Western Australia.He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chilli.After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it
21.
The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”The man replies, “And how would you do that?”The woman says, “Just wait and see.”She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”The woman replies, “I'm
The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”The man replies, “And how would you do that?”The woman says, “Just wait and see.”She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”The woman replies, “I'm
22.
Johnny went to confession, at the beginning of Lent….
“Bless me Father for I have sinned.
It has been 3 months since my last confession.
In that time I have disobeyed my parents nine times, missed Sunday Mass once, had impure thoughts, oh,
abo
Johnny went to confession, at the beginning of Lent….
“Bless me Father for I have sinned.
It has been 3 months since my last confession.
In that time I have disobeyed my parents nine times, missed Sunday Mass once, had impure thoughts, oh,
abo
23.
A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher.She was going around in turn asking them all questions.“Davy, what noise does a cow make?”“It goes moo.”“Alice, what noise does a cat make?”“It goes meow.”“Jamie, what sound does a lamb
A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher.She was going around in turn asking them all questions.“Davy, what noise does a cow make?”“It goes moo.”“Alice, what noise does a cat make?”“It goes meow.”“Jamie, what sound does a lamb
24.
Hints on how to liven up your idle hours to maintain a healthy level of insanity:1At lunch time, sit In your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing carswatch them slow down.2On all your cheque stubs, write “For Marijuana”3Skip dow
Hints on how to liven up your idle hours to maintain a healthy level of insanity:1At lunch time, sit In your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing carswatch them slow down.2On all your cheque stubs, write “For Marijuana”3Skip dow
25.
… when an older man in the crowd was heard saying, “PeanutsPopcornCracker Jack.”Castro didn't break his stride but a few minutes later, a second voice was heard but with the same message, “PeanutsPopcornCracker Jack.”This time the Bearded One seemed momen
… when an older man in the crowd was heard saying, “PeanutsPopcornCracker Jack.”Castro didn't break his stride but a few minutes later, a second voice was heard but with the same message, “PeanutsPopcornCracker Jack.”This time the Bearded One seemed momen
26.
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded.
“Or just a bed, I don’t care where.”
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manage
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded.
“Or just a bed, I don’t care where.”
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manage
27.
A young couple got married and the wife couldn't cookBut they were still in the honeymoon phase, so the first night after they got home, the husband comes home from work and the wife says “I'm sorry I burned dinner.” So the husband says “That's all right
A young couple got married and the wife couldn't cookBut they were still in the honeymoon phase, so the first night after they got home, the husband comes home from work and the wife says “I'm sorry I burned dinner.” So the husband says “That's all right
28.
“Mum, am I adopted?”“No, of course not”, replied his motherWhy would you think such a thing?Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test resultsNo match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.Perturbed, hi
“Mum, am I adopted?”“No, of course not”, replied his motherWhy would you think such a thing?Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test resultsNo match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.Perturbed, hi
29.
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.Before she says a word, B
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.Before she says a word, B
30.
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your paradeSo remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your paradeSo remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her
Tags:
Eng Jokes