1.
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friendsEvery day they would sit together to eat their lunchThey discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friendsEvery day they would sit together to eat their lunchThey discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until
2.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course,
I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Matty had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said, “No.”
I kept thinking, “Oh Lo
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course,
I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Matty had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said, “No.”
I kept thinking, “Oh Lo
3.
This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way.He said: “Up until last week, I still had it all!!! A cook, my clothes were washed & pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I we
This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way.He said: “Up until last week, I still had it all!!! A cook, my clothes were washed & pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I we
4.
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.“Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?” He asked his mother.“He thinks a lot” replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.“Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?” He asked his mother.“He thinks a lot” replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to
5.
Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumberHe awoke before the Pearly Gates, where StPeter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Ray.'Ray was stunned‘I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too
Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumberHe awoke before the Pearly Gates, where StPeter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Ray.'Ray was stunned‘I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too
6.
The Mechanic Asks The Heart Surgeon… when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey, Doc, can I ask you a quest
The Mechanic Asks The Heart Surgeon… when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey, Doc, can I ask you a quest
7.
An old couple, Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad newsOur engines have
An old couple, Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad newsOur engines have
8.
A retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to make his confession for the first time in many decades.When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, “Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and
A retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to make his confession for the first time in many decades.When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, “Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and
9.
A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany.I assumed that most Germans would speak English.But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue–including the ticket inspector on the train.He punched my ticket, then
A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany.I assumed that most Germans would speak English.But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue–including the ticket inspector on the train.He punched my ticket, then
10.
A man who drank alot was told by his wife “If you ever come home drunk again, I’m going to leave you”.
Regardless, that night he went out to a pub and drank a lot and was sick all over his shirt.
He told his friend, “If I go home like this my wife w
A man who drank alot was told by his wife “If you ever come home drunk again, I’m going to leave you”.
Regardless, that night he went out to a pub and drank a lot and was sick all over his shirt.
He told his friend, “If I go home like this my wife w
11.
All three sit down at the barThe bartender looks at the man and says, “What'll ya have?”The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I'll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I'm only gonna pay half price.”The bartender serves up four b
All three sit down at the barThe bartender looks at the man and says, “What'll ya have?”The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I'll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I'm only gonna pay half price.”The bartender serves up four b
12.
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.“If I lose this case, I'll be ruined.”“It's in the judge's hands now,” said the lawyer.“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”“Oh no! This judge is a stickler or
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.“If I lose this case, I'll be ruined.”“It's in the judge's hands now,” said the lawyer.“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”“Oh no! This judge is a stickler or
13.
A Spanish captain was walking on his ship when a soldier rushes to him and exclaims,“An enemy ship is approaching us!”The captain replies calmly, “Go get my red shirt.”The soldier gets the shirt for the captain.The enemy ship comes in and heavy rounds of
A Spanish captain was walking on his ship when a soldier rushes to him and exclaims,“An enemy ship is approaching us!”The captain replies calmly, “Go get my red shirt.”The soldier gets the shirt for the captain.The enemy ship comes in and heavy rounds of
14.
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says,“Please come over here and help meI have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.”Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it's finished?”The little silver-haired
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says,“Please come over here and help meI have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.”Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it's finished?”The little silver-haired
15.
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up
16.
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, “What you gonna do with that? There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here.”He says, “I won it and I'm a gonna keep it.”His brother came over to visit several days later.
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, “What you gonna do with that? There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here.”He says, “I won it and I'm a gonna keep it.”His brother came over to visit several days later.
17.
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babiesA nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.”“That's odd,” answers the man“I work for the Minnesota Twins!”A nurse says to the secon
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babiesA nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.”“That's odd,” answers the man“I work for the Minnesota Twins!”A nurse says to the secon
18.
Come out of the stall with wet hands.
Pour water in a constant stream on the floor and say, ‘Darn, I almost made it!’
Wash you hair and dry it in the hand dryer.
Wear papertowels wrapped around your head and pretend you’re Erykah Badu.
Write o
Come out of the stall with wet hands.
Pour water in a constant stream on the floor and say, ‘Darn, I almost made it!’
Wash you hair and dry it in the hand dryer.
Wear papertowels wrapped around your head and pretend you’re Erykah Badu.
Write o
19.
A chicken farmer went to the local barHe sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.The woman said: “How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne.”“What a coincidence,” said the farmer, who added, “It is a special day for meI'm celebrating”“It is
A chicken farmer went to the local barHe sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.The woman said: “How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne.”“What a coincidence,” said the farmer, who added, “It is a special day for meI'm celebrating”“It is
20.
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says,
“Mom, what are those things on your chest!?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn’t forg
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says,
“Mom, what are those things on your chest!?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn’t forg
21.
The friendly usher at the country church greeted the elderly woman visitor at the door and helped her up the steps.“Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.“The front row, please,” she answered.“You really don't want to do that,” the usher said“Th
The friendly usher at the country church greeted the elderly woman visitor at the door and helped her up the steps.“Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.“The front row, please,” she answered.“You really don't want to do that,” the usher said“Th
22.
A man was driving at 80 kph one day when he was passed by a 3-legged chicken.He accelerated and passed the chicken.Three minutes later the chicken passed him again as he was driving at 100 kph.The man tried to catch the chicken but it ran down a side road
A man was driving at 80 kph one day when he was passed by a 3-legged chicken.He accelerated and passed the chicken.Three minutes later the chicken passed him again as he was driving at 100 kph.The man tried to catch the chicken but it ran down a side road
23.
“Mommy,” the little girl asks, “How old are you?”“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied“It's not polite.”“OK”, the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”“Now really,” the mother says, “Those are personal questions and
“Mommy,” the little girl asks, “How old are you?”“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied“It's not polite.”“OK”, the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”“Now really,” the mother says, “Those are personal questions and
24.
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat.
They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man.
The son said, “OOh dad, there’s one.” “No,” said th
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat.
They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man.
The son said, “OOh dad, there’s one.” “No,” said th
25.
A man escapes a prison where he has been locked up for 15 years.
He goes into a house and finds a young couple in bed.
He forces the young man into a chair and duck taped him there.
Then he leans over the woman and kisses her neck, then he goes i
A man escapes a prison where he has been locked up for 15 years.
He goes into a house and finds a young couple in bed.
He forces the young man into a chair and duck taped him there.
Then he leans over the woman and kisses her neck, then he goes i
26.
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:My son
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:My son
27.
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down.As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says,“If you put a little rubber thin
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down.As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says,“If you put a little rubber thin
28.
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lieHe decides to test it out on his son at supper.Dad says: “Where were you last night?”Son says: “I was at the library.”The robot slaps the son.Son says “OK, I was at a friend's house.”“Doing wha
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lieHe decides to test it out on his son at supper.Dad says: “Where were you last night?”Son says: “I was at the library.”The robot slaps the son.Son says “OK, I was at a friend's house.”“Doing wha
29.
… but his Father explained that with the boys' Mother just losing her job, and their £80,000 mortgage, there was no way that such a gift could be afforded.The next day, the man saw his son packing his suitcase, and said,‘C'mon, Son, it's not that bad, we'
… but his Father explained that with the boys' Mother just losing her job, and their £80,000 mortgage, there was no way that such a gift could be afforded.The next day, the man saw his son packing his suitcase, and said,‘C'mon, Son, it's not that bad, we'
30.
A mother took her little boy to church.While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”The mother said to the little boy, “It's not appropriate to say the word ‘pee' in church.So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee' just tell me that you
A mother took her little boy to church.While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”The mother said to the little boy, “It's not appropriate to say the word ‘pee' in church.So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee' just tell me that you
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Eng Jokes