1.
One day a hare met a tortoiseShe made fun of slow pace of the tortoise and said,“You have as many legs as I have but I am sure, you cannot run as fast as I canMost probably you can't run at all”.The tortoise became very angryHe answered quietly, “You can
One day a hare met a tortoiseShe made fun of slow pace of the tortoise and said,“You have as many legs as I have but I am sure, you cannot run as fast as I canMost probably you can't run at all”.The tortoise became very angryHe answered quietly, “You can
2.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.To his amazement, a genie came forth.This particular genie, however, stated that he could only de
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.To his amazement, a genie came forth.This particular genie, however, stated that he could only de
3.
The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in RomeThe Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.“What is that phone for?” he asks the pontiff.“It's my direct line to the Lord!”The Rabbi is skeptical
The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in RomeThe Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.“What is that phone for?” he asks the pontiff.“It's my direct line to the Lord!”The Rabbi is skeptical
4.
A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist.
He says to his friend, “That’s amazing.
How did you get that?” The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish
. He rubs the bottle, and a puff of smo
A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist.
He says to his friend, “That’s amazing.
How did you get that?” The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish
. He rubs the bottle, and a puff of smo
5.
After 37 years of marriage Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.He gave Edith his now ex-wife ju
After 37 years of marriage Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.He gave Edith his now ex-wife ju
6.
A man lives in a highrise on the 15th floor.
Every morning, on the way to work, he takes the elevator all the way down to the 1st floor.
But when he comes home, he takes the elevator to the 8th floor and walks the rest of the way up.
The only exc
A man lives in a highrise on the 15th floor.
Every morning, on the way to work, he takes the elevator all the way down to the 1st floor.
But when he comes home, he takes the elevator to the 8th floor and walks the rest of the way up.
The only exc
7.
There was an old man who lived by a forest.
As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald.
That day, he called his children to a meeting…
He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so
There was an old man who lived by a forest.
As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald.
That day, he called his children to a meeting…
He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so
8.
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery,
and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
“Yes Dad, what is it?”
“Don’t be nervo
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery,
and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
“Yes Dad, what is it?”
“Don’t be nervo
9.
Two Arkansans meet on a dusty, country road.
One of them is carrying a big bag, labeled chickens.
“Chickens, eh?” says his friend.
“Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?”
“Heck,” says the guy with the bag. “You guess
Two Arkansans meet on a dusty, country road.
One of them is carrying a big bag, labeled chickens.
“Chickens, eh?” says his friend.
“Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?”
“Heck,” says the guy with the bag. “You guess
10.
A young boy, about seven years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a box of laundry detergent.The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.“No laundry” the boy said, “I'm going to wash my dog.”“Bu
A young boy, about seven years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a box of laundry detergent.The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.“No laundry” the boy said, “I'm going to wash my dog.”“Bu
11.
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:“Before you leave, I want you to hear how thi
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:“Before you leave, I want you to hear how thi
12.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the 9 kids are able to fit on the bus.After hearing about the predicament, the blind man lets the children get on instead of him.The wife asks
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the 9 kids are able to fit on the bus.After hearing about the predicament, the blind man lets the children get on instead of him.The wife asks
13.
Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.Obstetricians felt certain everyone was lab
Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.Obstetricians felt certain everyone was lab
14.
A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer, and two young people showed up.One was a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties, and the other was a gorgeous blonde about the same age.The circus owner told them, “I'm not going to sugar-coat itThis is one ferocio
A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer, and two young people showed up.One was a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties, and the other was a gorgeous blonde about the same age.The circus owner told them, “I'm not going to sugar-coat itThis is one ferocio
15.
A man lay sprawled across three seats in the cinema.When the usherette came by and noticed this, she whispered to the old man “Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat”.The old man didn't budgeThe usherette became more impatient.She said “Sir, if you d
A man lay sprawled across three seats in the cinema.When the usherette came by and noticed this, she whispered to the old man “Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat”.The old man didn't budgeThe usherette became more impatient.She said “Sir, if you d
16.
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed.
As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said,
“I
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed.
As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said,
“I
17.
A seven years old and a four years old kids are upstairs in their bedroom.“You know what?”, says the seven years old, “I think it's about time we started swearing.”The four years old nods his head in approval.“When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna
A seven years old and a four years old kids are upstairs in their bedroom.“You know what?”, says the seven years old, “I think it's about time we started swearing.”The four years old nods his head in approval.“When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna
18.
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't mis
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't mis
19.
In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, “Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.
” Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.
“Well,” said Mr. Johnson, “I was looki
In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, “Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.
” Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.
“Well,” said Mr. Johnson, “I was looki
20.
An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow.'The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the d
An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow.'The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the d
21.
Four married guys go fishingAfter an hour, the following conversation took place:First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekendI had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”Seco
Four married guys go fishingAfter an hour, the following conversation took place:First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekendI had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”Seco
22.
So I called Joseph, the 14 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.Joseph clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.As he was walking away, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?”He replied, “It w
So I called Joseph, the 14 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.Joseph clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.As he was walking away, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?”He replied, “It w
23.
Bob was in troubleHe forgot his wedding anniversaryHis wife was really pissed.She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”The next morning he got up early and left
Bob was in troubleHe forgot his wedding anniversaryHis wife was really pissed.She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”The next morning he got up early and left
24.
All of his tests came back with normal results.DrDarns said, “George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?”George replied, “God
All of his tests came back with normal results.DrDarns said, “George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?”George replied, “God
25.
1Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?2There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he we
1Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?2There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he we
26.
Scottish couple wants their kids to visit on Christmas EveHowever, there are some methods that make things easier…A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your m
Scottish couple wants their kids to visit on Christmas EveHowever, there are some methods that make things easier…A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your m
27.
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital.
The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery.
He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure.
The woman would be connected to a machine that would trans
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital.
The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery.
He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure.
The woman would be connected to a machine that would trans
28.
A Catholic goes to confession. “Forgive me father for I have sinned.” He begins.
“Go on my son.” says the priest. “I swore the other day, in the most profane way.
” says the man. “Continue.” says the priest.
“I was on the golf course and I hit my
A Catholic goes to confession. “Forgive me father for I have sinned.” He begins.
“Go on my son.” says the priest. “I swore the other day, in the most profane way.
” says the man. “Continue.” says the priest.
“I was on the golf course and I hit my
29.
The King knew his gorgeous Queen was going to be unfaithful with everyone through the court and county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.The court magistrate showed the King a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle.“Why, doesn't tha
The King knew his gorgeous Queen was going to be unfaithful with everyone through the court and county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.The court magistrate showed the King a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle.“Why, doesn't tha
30.
So, today I went over to the local Gun shop to get a Colt 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.”Making a mental note to complain to the government about gun cont
So, today I went over to the local Gun shop to get a Colt 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.”Making a mental note to complain to the government about gun cont
Tags:
Eng Jokes